I wrote this whole long post about the first time I heard John Coltrane and the person I was then compared to the person I am now. The way that things have changed and how so much of who I use to be is in a sense lost. And that recently someone important to me and to the time in between then and now told me that they felt like they stole my soul but really they didn’t and I just forgot how to be me. And while yes they are part of all the things that just grind me down that in the end they may be one of the few shinning lights in the darkness I sometimes am stupid enough to cling onto. Even if in the end all they do is always let me down. And really it’s a shame you all have to know this Alex. I may have never been particularly happy but my god was I more interesting, engaging, funny and just a better person. And most of all I was really hopeful about everything. And I know some of you think I am still a lot of those things but I never feel it anymore And most of all listening to John Coltrane for the first time could move me in ways that I don’t know how anything can ever move me as much now. But I deleted it all because it was nostalgic for something gone and I hate nostalgia but mostly it was me trying to figure out why I can’t seem to get it right. And you know the reason people around me view me as a failure is because I didn’t achieve anywhere near the level I should have. The expectations those around me had weren’t unrealistic on any level.They were based on the fact that I always showed promise. Whatever exactly that means I don’t know but everyone around me from as long as I could remember used those words glowingly and constantly. “So much incredible promise” And instead now my only goal it seems is just not to be like my father. And what a depressing thought that is when I think about it. That now I feel as if in the end that’s the only goal within sight that I may ever achieve is that even if i’m currently failing. And see by summarizing how pathetic the post was I saved you eight paragraphs extra of pointless sad rambling.